I know what you consider a happy ending, I know what's your idea of a safe haven, and I also know that's nowhere near my idea of a happy ending, ergo it isn't enough for me. What you consider a sanctuary will be a prison for me.
You should know by now what my expectations from life are .

Run away with me, he says. Let's Fly away together he says.
And i don't understand how can he say that? when what he is actually offering is far from that.
How do I tell him what he has in mind isn't what i would call running away, the life he has in mind isn't what i would call my Safe Haven, my ultimate retreat.
What he is offering would be like going from living with your demons to being next door neighbours with them. It's not gonna make any difference, it won't really be breaking away from them.
So Why does he talk like that? When he knows those words are empty, he paints a great picture but he must know the reality is gonna be different, and No, being together isn't gonna solve all the other issues, those things will still keep me firmly rooted in this quagmire, the very same one I wanted to escape, the only difference will be changing neigbourhoods.

Safe Haven

I have talked about this before how I think marriage is some kinda quagmire the way it unravels in today's world, one thing lead to another and what should have been a relation of bliss and pure joy becomes a nightmare and a prison.
If i had it my way I would want marriage to not be a marriage, that word spooks me out as it does most people i think. I would instead like to treat it as kinda running away with a friend. How often we dream of running away from our issues, our homes which feel like prisons at times, the judgemental families, the untrustworthy friendships, What If there was one person whose demons match yours, and who wants a smiliar escape, and you click , the whole nine yards, but instead of marriage you treat it like both of you finally getting to be free and get a plcae of your own, which you could make your own on your own terms, more like roommates, where there was just the two of you and nobody else, bcuz everybody else you had run away from, no one to judge you, no one whose standards you must fulfill, no yardstick to measure what kinda spouse you are, other than your own, Just two ppl who happne to love each other unconditionally and without restraint, share a home which is more like a safe haven, where none of the things which made them unhappy or stressed or caused them to doubt themselves exist, they did get married on paper but in the process, freed themselves and one other,quite unlike the marriages these days which are more centered on the Wedding and then the expectations of everybody , and is just a stressful affair from beginning to end and feels like getting out from one mental prison and ending up in another.
I would like to break away and make such a safe haven for myself, and maybe one day I might.

You know at times I get this feeling that I just can't  shake that you like me not bcuz there is something extraordinary about me but because you got low standards, It's like being the one eyed amongst blind. I think you only like me because of your own messed up complexes or whatever, and not bcuz I am something  amazing, i think you like me only bcuz you are blinded by fear of thinking you might not find someone else, I think you find me irreplaceable nit bcuz I am truly one such individual but bcuz you have no one to replace me with.
So i guess what i am saying is that what's worse is the thought that I am not actually that great , It's you who thought it all up, and it was all just an idea of me in your head. The real me wasn't anywhere near that idea.

So I had a weird dream today . It was a long dream and don't remember most of it or what it was about, but at one point I was sitting with somebody who was drinking alcohol and offered me a drink too , and threw it away and was totally repulsed by it and rejected it, bcuz its haram .
After I woke up I thought about how strongly I rejected that drink bcuz its haram , yet how many times in a day I indulge in so many other things which are haram or borderline haram , yet I do it without any qualms mainly bcuz we are unaware of the severity of small sins.
Anyway may God keep up away from sins, big or small, Amen.

I was just thinking that for once I would like things to work out, just once, as i planned, just once it would be nice for things to turn out right, without having to struggle so much, and then I said to myself, Hold on one minute, every moment, every next breath is somehing that worked out as planned, yet i don't acknoledge it, I plan to wake up and I Do wake up in the morning, and that's athing that happened according to plan, I plan to goto work, and I GET to work , that's another thing that worked out yet I don't even realise it let alone be grateful for it. Gosh!

It's Like all my demons have claimed me and i have given myself to them freely, and now where do they end and 'I' began , i don't know.
It's like i have spent so long thinking of what to do to be someone and how to be that someone thay i lost the someone i already was and became a non entity who has no heart or soul.
It's like i let the fear take control and drive my instinscts.
It's like wishing i could surface but giving in to the tide that's drowning me.
It's like when explaining colours to a person who can only see black and white, for that person colors do not exist and have no meaning.
Im so far gone, that even i don't where i am, or who i am or what i want.

There  is so much I wanna say. So much i wanna yell and scream and let out of my system, but I just can't find the right words, in fact words don't come close to describing my life.

Dear You...

... You are okay, you are not bothersome in the way you think you are. You are not deficient the way you believe you are, yeah you have issues, but who doesn't?
Yes there may be many things you are not, but we cant be everything, and we don't need to be everything.
but this isn't about what you are not, let me tell you what you are.
You are smart,funny, thoughtful,sensitive to others.You are non-judgemental, compassionate, and so sweet.
You are unclouded and positive, you have hope, you have faith, you are sincere, strong-willed, and despite all the shit that's happened to you you still hope for good, and you believe it with all your heart.
You are You, and that's all you need to be.
but it's not up to you to make everything right, and everything does not fail because of you, its not upto you to save everything and everyone. So it's not you it's them.
If they don't wanna hold on, you can't make them, best you can do is let them go and hope they find what they're looking for.
 But stop being so hard on yourself, when other ppl are already doing that job for you more than required.

When will it be over?

Really though WHEN will it be over? WHEN will I be in control of myself.
I really thought , I just did, that I was done with it, done with all this going back and forth like a pendulum, one minute want it and the next minute hate it, this freakin dependency and the crazy itch i get in my mind when I dont hear back from you even though I just cut you down! Thought I was done with it all!
Guess I was wrong.
Hate it.
Hate myself for being this way, this impulsive and not in control.

Three wishes.. and then some

I wish you would blog more often..
     I wish we could talk more often..
                                             Freely.
                               I wish you could talk to me..
                                  I wish I could listen to it..
                                     I wish we were closer..
                                       I wish you were here..
                                          I wish I wasn't such a mess.
                                            I wish you weren't such a mess..
 I wish there wasn't any circumstances in our way..
       I wish it was just you and me..
                   Together,
           So I could tell you all that goes on in my head,
               Find comfort in your arms,in your words, in your love.
                   Lose myself, and find myself again..In you.
                        I wish I wasn't so worried about the world,
                             the money,the fear of change,regret and betrayal.
  I wish I could snuggle up to you whenever I wanted..
      I wish i didn't have to say all this and have it feel like a faraway dream..
            I wish I didn't have to say 'I WISH' so often

If/Then..

I want to be with you.. but I cant live the kinda life you offer.
I'm sorry if that's too brutally honest, but that's the simple truth that we haven't been able to say out loud.
It needed to be said.

Cornered

Marriage should be a choice not an obligation, a conscious choice that one makes bcuz they want to, no regrets, What it shouldn't be is a fuckin bargain but that's exactly what it feels like.
On one hand is the family which puts forward one absurd reason after to be married, and on the other hand is someone i care about deeply but am not sure if its anything more than that, or if it can even work out.
but either way it feels like im surrounded by traps everywhere I look, bcuz there is a catch in all of these scenarios, and that catch is marriage itself.
It feels like no matter where i step I'll end up trapped one way or the other, weather i go with the options my family puts in front of me, or any other option, I will end up bargaining something for something.
but what if I don't want to bargain, I want it all or nothing.
i don't want to give up financial security for love, nor do i want to be a full time maid to someone, and I dont wanna be looked after but in a love-less scenario.
I want it all together in one place,
Besides I have a point to prove.
Let's see how far i go with it.

So i went shopping at the place where you work,
For the past three consecutive days.
And i keeping hoping against will to catch a glimpse of you, or for you to catch a glimpse of me and maybe realise, that Im less than what you thought i was, and then you'll move on .
Anyway that's just the Kinda thing that goes on in my head.

Envy.

Is it bad? Well of course it is.
I was never the envious kind, but the other day while lookin at my friends graduation pictures on     Facebook(with her well established and Mashallah very supportive husband) i felt this sharp sense of self loathing which to my surprise was tinged with envy!
When i realised i was feeling envious of my friends i hated myself even more, i mean how pathetic could i get?
Let me explain , self loathing i felt bcuz lately anyone else who has academic and career success only reminds me of what i lack, and as it pathetic as it sounds it has become my reality, and it kills me everyday how i ended up here.
Don't get me wrong i am very very happy for my friends, and i love them , but is it wrong to see a colored picture and wonder why is YOUR life black and white?
Now Envy; envy i felt bcuz one she was at her graduation, masters level, while i am eons away from even a third grade bachelors,
But that wasn't a surprise , the surprise was i felt envious of her supportive and well established husband!!!!
And that shocked even me!
Bcuz firstly, a marriage and all that is something I've never wanted,
Secondly , what the Hell? What the fucking Hell went wrong inside me to have made me such a pathetic person???!!
But when i thought about it later with a cool objective mind,
I thought of what i felt envious about ;it was success and a supportive husband who is more established , more elegant,better than her.
That's it. I guess i want a partner who is at a higher level than me in every way , be it faith, education, stability , ambition, character, personality, someone who won't make feel so conceited about myself, like Im the settler and he's the reacher ( that's a How I Met Your Mother reference), because Im already too full of myself.

Void.

Even after All is said and done a part of me keeps waiting and expecting you to say something, it's like something in me cant accept the silence.

Which is weird because it was me who demanded silence in the first place.

Very Peculiar.

Like its past mid-night, I should be sleeping because I got work in the morning, my neck hurts from continued laptop usage, and yet i'm sitting here aimlessly checking my blog hoping you would say something when there is nothing to say really, and I just realised this, and I smiled to myself, and decided to write this post, which now doesn't seem like such a good idea. Oh well.

My Bad..

I am asking you Let me go... but truth is that I Need to Let you go.
You already have, bless you, you understood.
But I didn't, and that's where the trouble is, so I need to let you go, to walk away without looking back every second.
Break Away.
to sort my head out and really achieve something in life, because trust me on this, the state of mind im in at this point, you dont want this, trust me!
I need to get my act together, stop feeling sorry for myself and work it.
I got issues man.
Load of them.
and i cant afford to let those issues ruin everything, i cant stand another failure.
So I am gonna deal with those issues, hopefully conquer my demons, but first i need to let you go.

This is for you, wherever you are...

So let me just say this out right.
My Life is a smouldering pile of pain,hurt,and disappointed hopes.. There's just too much shit . TOO.MUCH.SHIT. that I have seen and continue to see ... and i just cant take it any more.
and in all this I really could use a friend like you, especially when i know i just have to reach out and you'll be there in less than a minute,
but for reasons I wont repeat, we both know that aint happening.
I am broken, miserable,sad and lonely. I am in physical pain everday.
Largely because of what I see happening to marriages around me. They are black holes that just just suck the life out of you and eat you alive.
and how stupid would I be to push myself into one such black hole deliberately.
and I know you have hopes and you promise you'll be different, and I know you're different, but I'm sorry, try to understand where I'm standing, and at this point in time i'm just to broken up to even consider the idea of marriage to anyone much less fight for it,but you already know all that, so what's really my point?
My point is its so hard for me to have you at an arm's length and not being able to reach out for you..... I need to break away from you completely.
and like you said if two people are meant be, they find their way back to each other.
So Have Faith be strong and Let GO.
I am asking you to Let Me GO this time...  and I need to let You go..
like really let go, no strings attached.

No Love for the wicked

How Do you love and accept love when all you've known, all you've seen is how messed up and freakin ugly it can get when gone wrong
When all you've ever seen is the dirt then how can you believe there are stars?

Breaking away..

You know like in all the great movies when the guy and the girl cant seem to make things work staying together, they try and try but nothing seems to fall in place instead things keep getting worse.

IT is only when they finally Let Go and break away, have the final all-bridges-burned-its-over-no-turning-back kinda painfully difficult exit that things start to clear up, and make sense and they find their way back to each other.....

I think it goes to show that things seem so far away when you are chasing them, but have a way of catching up to you when you stop chasing them. 

The famous saying that Love is elusive when you are searching for it, I think it applies to happiness too; So long as we keep searching for happiness it seems to elude you, you may get a glimpse but its always fleeting ,always ending, never lasting, and that's mainly because the expectations that the search creates are totally blown out of proportion, and whatever little bit of happiness you get along the way pales in comparison to those expectations.

But when you stop looking you stop expecting and it is then that even a little bit of joy catches you off guard and lights you up.

But when one stops searching , does it mean when one gave up? Does it mean that one was a coward and could not persevere, OR does it mean they were brave enough to know when to let go ?

I personally think having one of those all-bridges-burned-its-over-no-turning-back kinda moment i just talked about is really crucial to any endeavour.

WHY?

Because I believe in such situations, breaking away means letting go of all the pieces of the puzzle which you could not arrange, and allowing them to fall where they may , and its only when you let them fall like that and take a step back that you realise that you were standing in the wrong place, and those things you were holding on to were like the grains of sand, the tighter you clutched the more they fell out of your hand because they were not meant to be clutched but were meant to be scattered, and its then that you see that the pattern that thus formed is better than anything you ever could have made yourself.

So the question really is; How brave are You?