Envy.

Is it bad? Well of course it is.
I was never the envious kind, but the other day while lookin at my friends graduation pictures on     Facebook(with her well established and Mashallah very supportive husband) i felt this sharp sense of self loathing which to my surprise was tinged with envy!
When i realised i was feeling envious of my friends i hated myself even more, i mean how pathetic could i get?
Let me explain , self loathing i felt bcuz lately anyone else who has academic and career success only reminds me of what i lack, and as it pathetic as it sounds it has become my reality, and it kills me everyday how i ended up here.
Don't get me wrong i am very very happy for my friends, and i love them , but is it wrong to see a colored picture and wonder why is YOUR life black and white?
Now Envy; envy i felt bcuz one she was at her graduation, masters level, while i am eons away from even a third grade bachelors,
But that wasn't a surprise , the surprise was i felt envious of her supportive and well established husband!!!!
And that shocked even me!
Bcuz firstly, a marriage and all that is something I've never wanted,
Secondly , what the Hell? What the fucking Hell went wrong inside me to have made me such a pathetic person???!!
But when i thought about it later with a cool objective mind,
I thought of what i felt envious about ;it was success and a supportive husband who is more established , more elegant,better than her.
That's it. I guess i want a partner who is at a higher level than me in every way , be it faith, education, stability , ambition, character, personality, someone who won't make feel so conceited about myself, like Im the settler and he's the reacher ( that's a How I Met Your Mother reference), because Im already too full of myself.