The Leap

Words; They can do so much; Entice you, Mesmerise you, Captivate you, Enlighten you, Educate you,
but words can only do so much on their own, in the end words fall short.
I guess the old saying comes to mind; Actions speak louder than Words. It's as true as at ever was.
Words can only get you so far, and they are not enough when it comes to trusting someone.
Trust comes from proving your words, and I have seen time and again how words just vanish into thin air, how they are nothing but an ephemeral fantasy , which you have only got to touch and it will evaporate, a siren that calls you and entices you only to make you lost at sea.
Don't get me wrong Words can be very powerful , to a person at the brink of giving up a few words of encouragement maybe the difference between success and failure, to a dying man hearing the affectionate words of family can mean the world. Words have their power I agree, but JUST words are not enough sometimes.
A relationship based on just words is bound to fail, if you got into a relationship with someone based on their declarations of affection and promises of forver upholding that love, the promises of forever and always,then that is a sinking ship. Why? because words are ephemeral, they are forgotten, promises; broken, vows; neglected, if there's one thing i know it's that actions always fall short of words, and when that happens, which it will, then you are left with nothing.
So when when those words are forgotten then what? What will you fall back on then? What will be your consolation then? Where will you find solace then?
People Lie, Promises break,mostly Words are just a cheap tool of manipulation, so don't fall for just words, if you want to know those words are real and the person saying them really means them, look to their actions, if you lover assures there's no on like you, there's no other he can give his heart to, then why does his actions lack in making you believe them?
If you take away the words what's left? that's my question.

I know what you consider a happy ending, I know what's your idea of a safe haven, and I also know that's nowhere near my idea of a happy ending, ergo it isn't enough for me. What you consider a sanctuary will be a prison for me.
You should know by now what my expectations from life are .

Run away with me, he says. Let's Fly away together he says.
And i don't understand how can he say that? when what he is actually offering is far from that.
How do I tell him what he has in mind isn't what i would call running away, the life he has in mind isn't what i would call my Safe Haven, my ultimate retreat.
What he is offering would be like going from living with your demons to being next door neighbours with them. It's not gonna make any difference, it won't really be breaking away from them.
So Why does he talk like that? When he knows those words are empty, he paints a great picture but he must know the reality is gonna be different, and No, being together isn't gonna solve all the other issues, those things will still keep me firmly rooted in this quagmire, the very same one I wanted to escape, the only difference will be changing neigbourhoods.

Safe Haven

I have talked about this before how I think marriage is some kinda quagmire the way it unravels in today's world, one thing lead to another and what should have been a relation of bliss and pure joy becomes a nightmare and a prison.
If i had it my way I would want marriage to not be a marriage, that word spooks me out as it does most people i think. I would instead like to treat it as kinda running away with a friend. How often we dream of running away from our issues, our homes which feel like prisons at times, the judgemental families, the untrustworthy friendships, What If there was one person whose demons match yours, and who wants a smiliar escape, and you click , the whole nine yards, but instead of marriage you treat it like both of you finally getting to be free and get a plcae of your own, which you could make your own on your own terms, more like roommates, where there was just the two of you and nobody else, bcuz everybody else you had run away from, no one to judge you, no one whose standards you must fulfill, no yardstick to measure what kinda spouse you are, other than your own, Just two ppl who happne to love each other unconditionally and without restraint, share a home which is more like a safe haven, where none of the things which made them unhappy or stressed or caused them to doubt themselves exist, they did get married on paper but in the process, freed themselves and one other,quite unlike the marriages these days which are more centered on the Wedding and then the expectations of everybody , and is just a stressful affair from beginning to end and feels like getting out from one mental prison and ending up in another.
I would like to break away and make such a safe haven for myself, and maybe one day I might.

You know at times I get this feeling that I just can't  shake that you like me not bcuz there is something extraordinary about me but because you got low standards, It's like being the one eyed amongst blind. I think you only like me because of your own messed up complexes or whatever, and not bcuz I am something  amazing, i think you like me only bcuz you are blinded by fear of thinking you might not find someone else, I think you find me irreplaceable nit bcuz I am truly one such individual but bcuz you have no one to replace me with.
So i guess what i am saying is that what's worse is the thought that I am not actually that great , It's you who thought it all up, and it was all just an idea of me in your head. The real me wasn't anywhere near that idea.

So I had a weird dream today . It was a long dream and don't remember most of it or what it was about, but at one point I was sitting with somebody who was drinking alcohol and offered me a drink too , and threw it away and was totally repulsed by it and rejected it, bcuz its haram .
After I woke up I thought about how strongly I rejected that drink bcuz its haram , yet how many times in a day I indulge in so many other things which are haram or borderline haram , yet I do it without any qualms mainly bcuz we are unaware of the severity of small sins.
Anyway may God keep up away from sins, big or small, Amen.

I was just thinking that for once I would like things to work out, just once, as i planned, just once it would be nice for things to turn out right, without having to struggle so much, and then I said to myself, Hold on one minute, every moment, every next breath is somehing that worked out as planned, yet i don't acknoledge it, I plan to wake up and I Do wake up in the morning, and that's athing that happened according to plan, I plan to goto work, and I GET to work , that's another thing that worked out yet I don't even realise it let alone be grateful for it. Gosh!

It's Like all my demons have claimed me and i have given myself to them freely, and now where do they end and 'I' began , i don't know.
It's like i have spent so long thinking of what to do to be someone and how to be that someone thay i lost the someone i already was and became a non entity who has no heart or soul.
It's like i let the fear take control and drive my instinscts.
It's like wishing i could surface but giving in to the tide that's drowning me.
It's like when explaining colours to a person who can only see black and white, for that person colors do not exist and have no meaning.
Im so far gone, that even i don't where i am, or who i am or what i want.

There  is so much I wanna say. So much i wanna yell and scream and let out of my system, but I just can't find the right words, in fact words don't come close to describing my life.