Dear You...

... You are okay, you are not bothersome in the way you think you are. You are not deficient the way you believe you are, yeah you have issues, but who doesn't?
Yes there may be many things you are not, but we cant be everything, and we don't need to be everything.
but this isn't about what you are not, let me tell you what you are.
You are smart,funny, thoughtful,sensitive to others.You are non-judgemental, compassionate, and so sweet.
You are unclouded and positive, you have hope, you have faith, you are sincere, strong-willed, and despite all the shit that's happened to you you still hope for good, and you believe it with all your heart.
You are You, and that's all you need to be.
but it's not up to you to make everything right, and everything does not fail because of you, its not upto you to save everything and everyone. So it's not you it's them.
If they don't wanna hold on, you can't make them, best you can do is let them go and hope they find what they're looking for.
 But stop being so hard on yourself, when other ppl are already doing that job for you more than required.

When will it be over?

Really though WHEN will it be over? WHEN will I be in control of myself.
I really thought , I just did, that I was done with it, done with all this going back and forth like a pendulum, one minute want it and the next minute hate it, this freakin dependency and the crazy itch i get in my mind when I dont hear back from you even though I just cut you down! Thought I was done with it all!
Guess I was wrong.
Hate it.
Hate myself for being this way, this impulsive and not in control.

Three wishes.. and then some

I wish you would blog more often..
     I wish we could talk more often..
                                             Freely.
                               I wish you could talk to me..
                                  I wish I could listen to it..
                                     I wish we were closer..
                                       I wish you were here..
                                          I wish I wasn't such a mess.
                                            I wish you weren't such a mess..
 I wish there wasn't any circumstances in our way..
       I wish it was just you and me..
                   Together,
           So I could tell you all that goes on in my head,
               Find comfort in your arms,in your words, in your love.
                   Lose myself, and find myself again..In you.
                        I wish I wasn't so worried about the world,
                             the money,the fear of change,regret and betrayal.
  I wish I could snuggle up to you whenever I wanted..
      I wish i didn't have to say all this and have it feel like a faraway dream..
            I wish I didn't have to say 'I WISH' so often

If/Then..

I want to be with you.. but I cant live the kinda life you offer.
I'm sorry if that's too brutally honest, but that's the simple truth that we haven't been able to say out loud.
It needed to be said.

Cornered

Marriage should be a choice not an obligation, a conscious choice that one makes bcuz they want to, no regrets, What it shouldn't be is a fuckin bargain but that's exactly what it feels like.
On one hand is the family which puts forward one absurd reason after to be married, and on the other hand is someone i care about deeply but am not sure if its anything more than that, or if it can even work out.
but either way it feels like im surrounded by traps everywhere I look, bcuz there is a catch in all of these scenarios, and that catch is marriage itself.
It feels like no matter where i step I'll end up trapped one way or the other, weather i go with the options my family puts in front of me, or any other option, I will end up bargaining something for something.
but what if I don't want to bargain, I want it all or nothing.
i don't want to give up financial security for love, nor do i want to be a full time maid to someone, and I dont wanna be looked after but in a love-less scenario.
I want it all together in one place,
Besides I have a point to prove.
Let's see how far i go with it.

So i went shopping at the place where you work,
For the past three consecutive days.
And i keeping hoping against will to catch a glimpse of you, or for you to catch a glimpse of me and maybe realise, that Im less than what you thought i was, and then you'll move on .
Anyway that's just the Kinda thing that goes on in my head.

Envy.

Is it bad? Well of course it is.
I was never the envious kind, but the other day while lookin at my friends graduation pictures on     Facebook(with her well established and Mashallah very supportive husband) i felt this sharp sense of self loathing which to my surprise was tinged with envy!
When i realised i was feeling envious of my friends i hated myself even more, i mean how pathetic could i get?
Let me explain , self loathing i felt bcuz lately anyone else who has academic and career success only reminds me of what i lack, and as it pathetic as it sounds it has become my reality, and it kills me everyday how i ended up here.
Don't get me wrong i am very very happy for my friends, and i love them , but is it wrong to see a colored picture and wonder why is YOUR life black and white?
Now Envy; envy i felt bcuz one she was at her graduation, masters level, while i am eons away from even a third grade bachelors,
But that wasn't a surprise , the surprise was i felt envious of her supportive and well established husband!!!!
And that shocked even me!
Bcuz firstly, a marriage and all that is something I've never wanted,
Secondly , what the Hell? What the fucking Hell went wrong inside me to have made me such a pathetic person???!!
But when i thought about it later with a cool objective mind,
I thought of what i felt envious about ;it was success and a supportive husband who is more established , more elegant,better than her.
That's it. I guess i want a partner who is at a higher level than me in every way , be it faith, education, stability , ambition, character, personality, someone who won't make feel so conceited about myself, like Im the settler and he's the reacher ( that's a How I Met Your Mother reference), because Im already too full of myself.

Void.

Even after All is said and done a part of me keeps waiting and expecting you to say something, it's like something in me cant accept the silence.

Which is weird because it was me who demanded silence in the first place.

Very Peculiar.

Like its past mid-night, I should be sleeping because I got work in the morning, my neck hurts from continued laptop usage, and yet i'm sitting here aimlessly checking my blog hoping you would say something when there is nothing to say really, and I just realised this, and I smiled to myself, and decided to write this post, which now doesn't seem like such a good idea. Oh well.

My Bad..

I am asking you Let me go... but truth is that I Need to Let you go.
You already have, bless you, you understood.
But I didn't, and that's where the trouble is, so I need to let you go, to walk away without looking back every second.
Break Away.
to sort my head out and really achieve something in life, because trust me on this, the state of mind im in at this point, you dont want this, trust me!
I need to get my act together, stop feeling sorry for myself and work it.
I got issues man.
Load of them.
and i cant afford to let those issues ruin everything, i cant stand another failure.
So I am gonna deal with those issues, hopefully conquer my demons, but first i need to let you go.

This is for you, wherever you are...

So let me just say this out right.
My Life is a smouldering pile of pain,hurt,and disappointed hopes.. There's just too much shit . TOO.MUCH.SHIT. that I have seen and continue to see ... and i just cant take it any more.
and in all this I really could use a friend like you, especially when i know i just have to reach out and you'll be there in less than a minute,
but for reasons I wont repeat, we both know that aint happening.
I am broken, miserable,sad and lonely. I am in physical pain everday.
Largely because of what I see happening to marriages around me. They are black holes that just just suck the life out of you and eat you alive.
and how stupid would I be to push myself into one such black hole deliberately.
and I know you have hopes and you promise you'll be different, and I know you're different, but I'm sorry, try to understand where I'm standing, and at this point in time i'm just to broken up to even consider the idea of marriage to anyone much less fight for it,but you already know all that, so what's really my point?
My point is its so hard for me to have you at an arm's length and not being able to reach out for you..... I need to break away from you completely.
and like you said if two people are meant be, they find their way back to each other.
So Have Faith be strong and Let GO.
I am asking you to Let Me GO this time...  and I need to let You go..
like really let go, no strings attached.

No Love for the wicked

How Do you love and accept love when all you've known, all you've seen is how messed up and freakin ugly it can get when gone wrong
When all you've ever seen is the dirt then how can you believe there are stars?

Breaking away..

You know like in all the great movies when the guy and the girl cant seem to make things work staying together, they try and try but nothing seems to fall in place instead things keep getting worse.

IT is only when they finally Let Go and break away, have the final all-bridges-burned-its-over-no-turning-back kinda painfully difficult exit that things start to clear up, and make sense and they find their way back to each other.....

I think it goes to show that things seem so far away when you are chasing them, but have a way of catching up to you when you stop chasing them. 

The famous saying that Love is elusive when you are searching for it, I think it applies to happiness too; So long as we keep searching for happiness it seems to elude you, you may get a glimpse but its always fleeting ,always ending, never lasting, and that's mainly because the expectations that the search creates are totally blown out of proportion, and whatever little bit of happiness you get along the way pales in comparison to those expectations.

But when you stop looking you stop expecting and it is then that even a little bit of joy catches you off guard and lights you up.

But when one stops searching , does it mean when one gave up? Does it mean that one was a coward and could not persevere, OR does it mean they were brave enough to know when to let go ?

I personally think having one of those all-bridges-burned-its-over-no-turning-back kinda moment i just talked about is really crucial to any endeavour.

WHY?

Because I believe in such situations, breaking away means letting go of all the pieces of the puzzle which you could not arrange, and allowing them to fall where they may , and its only when you let them fall like that and take a step back that you realise that you were standing in the wrong place, and those things you were holding on to were like the grains of sand, the tighter you clutched the more they fell out of your hand because they were not meant to be clutched but were meant to be scattered, and its then that you see that the pattern that thus formed is better than anything you ever could have made yourself.

So the question really is; How brave are You?