Song of the day; Crawling by Linkin park.
first heard it when i was 15, truly feel it now 6 years later...
"There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Of wants and needs...
Is everyone supposed to know exactly what they want?? from life?? what they wanna do??
I, for one dont. Period.
i Dont know what i want.
for example just this evening i was ranting with a friend over the fact that I think no one reads my blog.. when inside i actually dont want anyone to read it(but then again maybe i do, i dont effin no). Not even my friend perhaps...
I started this as an anonymous way of letting out my frustrations with life, not to develop a following, after all why would anyone waana hear me talk about my boring life?
Blergh.... im so nuts...
Thing is i dont want anyone who actually knows me to read this.. yet i could not shut up my big mouth and kept whining about no one reading it .
Aaargh *pullin out my own hair*
ergh... to frustrated with myself to type anymore...
gonna get some shut-eye perhaps...
p.s. i know im going a bit gaga..
I, for one dont. Period.
i Dont know what i want.
for example just this evening i was ranting with a friend over the fact that I think no one reads my blog.. when inside i actually dont want anyone to read it(but then again maybe i do, i dont effin no). Not even my friend perhaps...
I started this as an anonymous way of letting out my frustrations with life, not to develop a following, after all why would anyone waana hear me talk about my boring life?
Blergh.... im so nuts...
Thing is i dont want anyone who actually knows me to read this.. yet i could not shut up my big mouth and kept whining about no one reading it .
Aaargh *pullin out my own hair*
ergh... to frustrated with myself to type anymore...
gonna get some shut-eye perhaps...
p.s. i know im going a bit gaga..
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Just Say...
This song leaves me pretty speechless cuz it says it all.. if only we hear it...
"Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted
Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold
Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it
Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold
Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
....Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
.... better than you had it (Better than you had it)
I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it...
Just say....."
by One Republic
"Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted
Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold
Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it
Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold
Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
....Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
.... better than you had it (Better than you had it)
I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it...
Just say....."
by One Republic
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Can you free me....
I cant say it better than Miike snow does in this song called Cult Logic(for want of better words of my own);
"
"
All my life I've been the slave of consequence
wondering how this life could be so intricate.
I wanna rewrite my heart and let the future in
I wanna open it up and let somebody in
can you free me from the logic that I knew
I believe it even if it is not true.
Am I falling asleep on my feet again?
I call out, is anybody listening
and it's like I'm diving into emptiness
but at least there's something beating in my chest
can you free me from the logic that I knew...
I believe it even if it is not true. "
Monday, March 22, 2010
Song of the day: Sense of humor by Darren hayes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcHRGLuFTug
"You will like my sense of humor
You will be addicted to my smile
Laughing all the while
And I will end each conversation
I will leave the room with upper hand
And you will understand
You will find my scent attractive
You will like my real, engaging eyes
And playful, childlike smile
You will find my style appealing
I will overpower you with wits
And I will be a hit
If only you'd run to me
If only you'd come to me
If only you'd relax upon your rules
And dare to be love's fool
If only you'd come for me
If only you'd run to me
If only you'd relax upon those rules
And dare to be love's fool.."
Needles to say that darren hayes is a genius.. and most writes the most honest lyrics and songs..
"You will like my sense of humor
You will be addicted to my smile
Laughing all the while
And I will end each conversation
I will leave the room with upper hand
And you will understand
You will find my scent attractive
You will like my real, engaging eyes
And playful, childlike smile
You will find my style appealing
I will overpower you with wits
And I will be a hit
If only you'd run to me
If only you'd come to me
If only you'd relax upon your rules
And dare to be love's fool
If only you'd come for me
If only you'd run to me
If only you'd relax upon those rules
And dare to be love's fool.."
Needles to say that darren hayes is a genius.. and most writes the most honest lyrics and songs..
Monday, March 15, 2010
Words...
Okay first of all the title is not very good... but couldnt think of a better one at the moment.
Thing is lately all that i have been going through emotionally.; i can find it in a song. As in more often than not when one is feeling somethin one cant always articulately describe it too... But would'nt it be great if someone else gave words to your feelings, in the exact same manner as you wanted to but couldnt, or maybe even better..
So lately Darren Hayes' album The Tension and The spark (yes all of it) has pretty much become the soundtrack to my life, but not in a way that i can explain it, and definitely not in an obvious way, songs like Darkness, Ego, Sense Of humor,Void.... so articulately and beautifully say all i wanted to say... all i have felt...
One more song that yesterday struck a chord with me was Starlight by Muse.... i have always loved that song, but yesterday when i was in my dungeon of doom and darkness, the lyrics and the melody felt right at home....'far away.. this ship is taking me far away from the memories of the people who care if i live or die...our hopes and EXPECTATIONS;BLACKHOLES AND REVELATIONS'...
another song is from the cartoon movie Mulan... 'Reflection'
Hmm.. thats it for now..
P.s. writing this is cathartic in a way...
Thing is lately all that i have been going through emotionally.; i can find it in a song. As in more often than not when one is feeling somethin one cant always articulately describe it too... But would'nt it be great if someone else gave words to your feelings, in the exact same manner as you wanted to but couldnt, or maybe even better..
So lately Darren Hayes' album The Tension and The spark (yes all of it) has pretty much become the soundtrack to my life, but not in a way that i can explain it, and definitely not in an obvious way, songs like Darkness, Ego, Sense Of humor,Void.... so articulately and beautifully say all i wanted to say... all i have felt...
One more song that yesterday struck a chord with me was Starlight by Muse.... i have always loved that song, but yesterday when i was in my dungeon of doom and darkness, the lyrics and the melody felt right at home....'far away.. this ship is taking me far away from the memories of the people who care if i live or die...our hopes and EXPECTATIONS;BLACKHOLES AND REVELATIONS'...
another song is from the cartoon movie Mulan... 'Reflection'
Hmm.. thats it for now..
P.s. writing this is cathartic in a way...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Of bad hair cuts and cryptic msgs...
Got a hair cut today.. thought i'll reinvent myself, and all that. but i hate my cut... :( makes me feel worse off than before... :(
ANyway...
lately i been on my own... and it feels okay.. Like a month ago... i would share most of what and how i felt with 3 key ppl,( for instance my bad hair cut).... but in light of recent epiphanies and events... i dont feel the urge or need to let anyone in on anything i am feeling.... and feels alright... hmm...
What else? yeah... I go kinda cryptic on my facebook..... not that anybody knows or notices... how? Well, i share songs at times precisely according to what im feeling at that point and all.. But No one reads the signs anyway.. and its okay this way i guess.. Bcuz if someone did understand those signs ... iwould feel Soo.. Afraid. Weak.Vulnerable... Like someone had spilled my secrets..
P.s. None of my friends about my hair cut or the fact that i aint happy with it...
ANyway...
lately i been on my own... and it feels okay.. Like a month ago... i would share most of what and how i felt with 3 key ppl,( for instance my bad hair cut).... but in light of recent epiphanies and events... i dont feel the urge or need to let anyone in on anything i am feeling.... and feels alright... hmm...
What else? yeah... I go kinda cryptic on my facebook..... not that anybody knows or notices... how? Well, i share songs at times precisely according to what im feeling at that point and all.. But No one reads the signs anyway.. and its okay this way i guess.. Bcuz if someone did understand those signs ... iwould feel Soo.. Afraid. Weak.Vulnerable... Like someone had spilled my secrets..
P.s. None of my friends about my hair cut or the fact that i aint happy with it...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
My sanity
my sanity....
How do i get it back?? when did i lose it? Was there ever a time i really truly even had it?
? These ares some of the questions that are on my mind lately and they wreak one havoc. Save to say i dont know the absolute answer to any of them. Period.
But what i do know is that,THIS,right here, right now, is the most brutally dark time of my life. I feel for the first time the need to be totally alone and secluded, and i dont mean locked up in a room or holed up in some corner, what i mean is that for the first time i feel as if i cant and dont wanna depend,trust or BE with anyone. I hate everythin and everyone in my life. I feel the need to go to a place where none of these ppl, none of these problems; that cuttently so perpetually habituate my life, exist or come even close.
WHY? For one i am just so sick and tired of the same old stuff that has become a routine of life for me, second and most importantly, i recently had an epiphany. The epiphany is that I am not meant or well suited,if you will, for this social exposure ridden life. B'cuz im an Anti-social, but NOone and i mean no one, who has seen me in a group pf ppl can say im anti-social, cuz i seem or become the social butterfly kind material. But the impact social exposure has on me is weird at best and psychotic at worse, one cuz im extrememly sensitive to anything, i cant explain it fully but all i know is im meant to be around ppl.
I understand what an extremely narcissistic piece of writing this is, but i need to write this just to sort out my own feelings, and not cuz i want anyone to read it.
WTF? no clarity still..
How do i get it back?? when did i lose it? Was there ever a time i really truly even had it?
? These ares some of the questions that are on my mind lately and they wreak one havoc. Save to say i dont know the absolute answer to any of them. Period.
But what i do know is that,THIS,right here, right now, is the most brutally dark time of my life. I feel for the first time the need to be totally alone and secluded, and i dont mean locked up in a room or holed up in some corner, what i mean is that for the first time i feel as if i cant and dont wanna depend,trust or BE with anyone. I hate everythin and everyone in my life. I feel the need to go to a place where none of these ppl, none of these problems; that cuttently so perpetually habituate my life, exist or come even close.
WHY? For one i am just so sick and tired of the same old stuff that has become a routine of life for me, second and most importantly, i recently had an epiphany. The epiphany is that I am not meant or well suited,if you will, for this social exposure ridden life. B'cuz im an Anti-social, but NOone and i mean no one, who has seen me in a group pf ppl can say im anti-social, cuz i seem or become the social butterfly kind material. But the impact social exposure has on me is weird at best and psychotic at worse, one cuz im extrememly sensitive to anything, i cant explain it fully but all i know is im meant to be around ppl.
I understand what an extremely narcissistic piece of writing this is, but i need to write this just to sort out my own feelings, and not cuz i want anyone to read it.
WTF? no clarity still..
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