Noise

There are these Noises in head.
Noises that keep me up at night, and down during the day.
Noises that cast dark clouds on my thoughts and sink my self esteem to unforeseen depths.
These noises make everything a tangled yarn ball of fear, pain, hurt, heartbreak, shame, truth and beliefs.
They make me conscious of my every move, yet end up making me do things impulsively.
There's a constant fear of making mistakes and being haunted by them for the rest of eternity.
and I am so tired of not knowing which way is up bcuz of these noises.

Total Eclipse

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart.

 Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse Of The Heart Lyrics 

The Leap

Words; They can do so much; Entice you, Mesmerise you, Captivate you, Enlighten you, Educate you,
but words can only do so much on their own, in the end words fall short.
I guess the old saying comes to mind; Actions speak louder than Words. It's as true as at ever was.
Words can only get you so far, and they are not enough when it comes to trusting someone.
Trust comes from proving your words, and I have seen time and again how words just vanish into thin air, how they are nothing but an ephemeral fantasy , which you have only got to touch and it will evaporate, a siren that calls you and entices you only to make you lost at sea.
Don't get me wrong Words can be very powerful , to a person at the brink of giving up a few words of encouragement maybe the difference between success and failure, to a dying man hearing the affectionate words of family can mean the world. Words have their power I agree, but JUST words are not enough sometimes.
A relationship based on just words is bound to fail, if you got into a relationship with someone based on their declarations of affection and promises of forver upholding that love, the promises of forever and always,then that is a sinking ship. Why? because words are ephemeral, they are forgotten, promises; broken, vows; neglected, if there's one thing i know it's that actions always fall short of words, and when that happens, which it will, then you are left with nothing.
So when when those words are forgotten then what? What will you fall back on then? What will be your consolation then? Where will you find solace then?
People Lie, Promises break,mostly Words are just a cheap tool of manipulation, so don't fall for just words, if you want to know those words are real and the person saying them really means them, look to their actions, if you lover assures there's no on like you, there's no other he can give his heart to, then why does his actions lack in making you believe them?
If you take away the words what's left? that's my question.

I know what you consider a happy ending, I know what's your idea of a safe haven, and I also know that's nowhere near my idea of a happy ending, ergo it isn't enough for me. What you consider a sanctuary will be a prison for me.
You should know by now what my expectations from life are .

Run away with me, he says. Let's Fly away together he says.
And i don't understand how can he say that? when what he is actually offering is far from that.
How do I tell him what he has in mind isn't what i would call running away, the life he has in mind isn't what i would call my Safe Haven, my ultimate retreat.
What he is offering would be like going from living with your demons to being next door neighbours with them. It's not gonna make any difference, it won't really be breaking away from them.
So Why does he talk like that? When he knows those words are empty, he paints a great picture but he must know the reality is gonna be different, and No, being together isn't gonna solve all the other issues, those things will still keep me firmly rooted in this quagmire, the very same one I wanted to escape, the only difference will be changing neigbourhoods.

Safe Haven

I have talked about this before how I think marriage is some kinda quagmire the way it unravels in today's world, one thing lead to another and what should have been a relation of bliss and pure joy becomes a nightmare and a prison.
If i had it my way I would want marriage to not be a marriage, that word spooks me out as it does most people i think. I would instead like to treat it as kinda running away with a friend. How often we dream of running away from our issues, our homes which feel like prisons at times, the judgemental families, the untrustworthy friendships, What If there was one person whose demons match yours, and who wants a smiliar escape, and you click , the whole nine yards, but instead of marriage you treat it like both of you finally getting to be free and get a plcae of your own, which you could make your own on your own terms, more like roommates, where there was just the two of you and nobody else, bcuz everybody else you had run away from, no one to judge you, no one whose standards you must fulfill, no yardstick to measure what kinda spouse you are, other than your own, Just two ppl who happne to love each other unconditionally and without restraint, share a home which is more like a safe haven, where none of the things which made them unhappy or stressed or caused them to doubt themselves exist, they did get married on paper but in the process, freed themselves and one other,quite unlike the marriages these days which are more centered on the Wedding and then the expectations of everybody , and is just a stressful affair from beginning to end and feels like getting out from one mental prison and ending up in another.
I would like to break away and make such a safe haven for myself, and maybe one day I might.

You know at times I get this feeling that I just can't  shake that you like me not bcuz there is something extraordinary about me but because you got low standards, It's like being the one eyed amongst blind. I think you only like me because of your own messed up complexes or whatever, and not bcuz I am something  amazing, i think you like me only bcuz you are blinded by fear of thinking you might not find someone else, I think you find me irreplaceable nit bcuz I am truly one such individual but bcuz you have no one to replace me with.
So i guess what i am saying is that what's worse is the thought that I am not actually that great , It's you who thought it all up, and it was all just an idea of me in your head. The real me wasn't anywhere near that idea.

So I had a weird dream today . It was a long dream and don't remember most of it or what it was about, but at one point I was sitting with somebody who was drinking alcohol and offered me a drink too , and threw it away and was totally repulsed by it and rejected it, bcuz its haram .
After I woke up I thought about how strongly I rejected that drink bcuz its haram , yet how many times in a day I indulge in so many other things which are haram or borderline haram , yet I do it without any qualms mainly bcuz we are unaware of the severity of small sins.
Anyway may God keep up away from sins, big or small, Amen.

I was just thinking that for once I would like things to work out, just once, as i planned, just once it would be nice for things to turn out right, without having to struggle so much, and then I said to myself, Hold on one minute, every moment, every next breath is somehing that worked out as planned, yet i don't acknoledge it, I plan to wake up and I Do wake up in the morning, and that's athing that happened according to plan, I plan to goto work, and I GET to work , that's another thing that worked out yet I don't even realise it let alone be grateful for it. Gosh!

It's Like all my demons have claimed me and i have given myself to them freely, and now where do they end and 'I' began , i don't know.
It's like i have spent so long thinking of what to do to be someone and how to be that someone thay i lost the someone i already was and became a non entity who has no heart or soul.
It's like i let the fear take control and drive my instinscts.
It's like wishing i could surface but giving in to the tide that's drowning me.
It's like when explaining colours to a person who can only see black and white, for that person colors do not exist and have no meaning.
Im so far gone, that even i don't where i am, or who i am or what i want.

There  is so much I wanna say. So much i wanna yell and scream and let out of my system, but I just can't find the right words, in fact words don't come close to describing my life.

Dear You...

... You are okay, you are not bothersome in the way you think you are. You are not deficient the way you believe you are, yeah you have issues, but who doesn't?
Yes there may be many things you are not, but we cant be everything, and we don't need to be everything.
but this isn't about what you are not, let me tell you what you are.
You are smart,funny, thoughtful,sensitive to others.You are non-judgemental, compassionate, and so sweet.
You are unclouded and positive, you have hope, you have faith, you are sincere, strong-willed, and despite all the shit that's happened to you you still hope for good, and you believe it with all your heart.
You are You, and that's all you need to be.
but it's not up to you to make everything right, and everything does not fail because of you, its not upto you to save everything and everyone. So it's not you it's them.
If they don't wanna hold on, you can't make them, best you can do is let them go and hope they find what they're looking for.
 But stop being so hard on yourself, when other ppl are already doing that job for you more than required.

When will it be over?

Really though WHEN will it be over? WHEN will I be in control of myself.
I really thought , I just did, that I was done with it, done with all this going back and forth like a pendulum, one minute want it and the next minute hate it, this freakin dependency and the crazy itch i get in my mind when I dont hear back from you even though I just cut you down! Thought I was done with it all!
Guess I was wrong.
Hate it.
Hate myself for being this way, this impulsive and not in control.

Three wishes.. and then some

I wish you would blog more often..
     I wish we could talk more often..
                                             Freely.
                               I wish you could talk to me..
                                  I wish I could listen to it..
                                     I wish we were closer..
                                       I wish you were here..
                                          I wish I wasn't such a mess.
                                            I wish you weren't such a mess..
 I wish there wasn't any circumstances in our way..
       I wish it was just you and me..
                   Together,
           So I could tell you all that goes on in my head,
               Find comfort in your arms,in your words, in your love.
                   Lose myself, and find myself again..In you.
                        I wish I wasn't so worried about the world,
                             the money,the fear of change,regret and betrayal.
  I wish I could snuggle up to you whenever I wanted..
      I wish i didn't have to say all this and have it feel like a faraway dream..
            I wish I didn't have to say 'I WISH' so often

If/Then..

I want to be with you.. but I cant live the kinda life you offer.
I'm sorry if that's too brutally honest, but that's the simple truth that we haven't been able to say out loud.
It needed to be said.

Cornered

Marriage should be a choice not an obligation, a conscious choice that one makes bcuz they want to, no regrets, What it shouldn't be is a fuckin bargain but that's exactly what it feels like.
On one hand is the family which puts forward one absurd reason after to be married, and on the other hand is someone i care about deeply but am not sure if its anything more than that, or if it can even work out.
but either way it feels like im surrounded by traps everywhere I look, bcuz there is a catch in all of these scenarios, and that catch is marriage itself.
It feels like no matter where i step I'll end up trapped one way or the other, weather i go with the options my family puts in front of me, or any other option, I will end up bargaining something for something.
but what if I don't want to bargain, I want it all or nothing.
i don't want to give up financial security for love, nor do i want to be a full time maid to someone, and I dont wanna be looked after but in a love-less scenario.
I want it all together in one place,
Besides I have a point to prove.
Let's see how far i go with it.

So i went shopping at the place where you work,
For the past three consecutive days.
And i keeping hoping against will to catch a glimpse of you, or for you to catch a glimpse of me and maybe realise, that Im less than what you thought i was, and then you'll move on .
Anyway that's just the Kinda thing that goes on in my head.

Envy.

Is it bad? Well of course it is.
I was never the envious kind, but the other day while lookin at my friends graduation pictures on     Facebook(with her well established and Mashallah very supportive husband) i felt this sharp sense of self loathing which to my surprise was tinged with envy!
When i realised i was feeling envious of my friends i hated myself even more, i mean how pathetic could i get?
Let me explain , self loathing i felt bcuz lately anyone else who has academic and career success only reminds me of what i lack, and as it pathetic as it sounds it has become my reality, and it kills me everyday how i ended up here.
Don't get me wrong i am very very happy for my friends, and i love them , but is it wrong to see a colored picture and wonder why is YOUR life black and white?
Now Envy; envy i felt bcuz one she was at her graduation, masters level, while i am eons away from even a third grade bachelors,
But that wasn't a surprise , the surprise was i felt envious of her supportive and well established husband!!!!
And that shocked even me!
Bcuz firstly, a marriage and all that is something I've never wanted,
Secondly , what the Hell? What the fucking Hell went wrong inside me to have made me such a pathetic person???!!
But when i thought about it later with a cool objective mind,
I thought of what i felt envious about ;it was success and a supportive husband who is more established , more elegant,better than her.
That's it. I guess i want a partner who is at a higher level than me in every way , be it faith, education, stability , ambition, character, personality, someone who won't make feel so conceited about myself, like Im the settler and he's the reacher ( that's a How I Met Your Mother reference), because Im already too full of myself.

Void.

Even after All is said and done a part of me keeps waiting and expecting you to say something, it's like something in me cant accept the silence.

Which is weird because it was me who demanded silence in the first place.

Very Peculiar.

Like its past mid-night, I should be sleeping because I got work in the morning, my neck hurts from continued laptop usage, and yet i'm sitting here aimlessly checking my blog hoping you would say something when there is nothing to say really, and I just realised this, and I smiled to myself, and decided to write this post, which now doesn't seem like such a good idea. Oh well.

My Bad..

I am asking you Let me go... but truth is that I Need to Let you go.
You already have, bless you, you understood.
But I didn't, and that's where the trouble is, so I need to let you go, to walk away without looking back every second.
Break Away.
to sort my head out and really achieve something in life, because trust me on this, the state of mind im in at this point, you dont want this, trust me!
I need to get my act together, stop feeling sorry for myself and work it.
I got issues man.
Load of them.
and i cant afford to let those issues ruin everything, i cant stand another failure.
So I am gonna deal with those issues, hopefully conquer my demons, but first i need to let you go.