It's Like all my demons have claimed me and i have given myself to them freely, and now where do they end and 'I' began , i don't know.
It's like i have spent so long thinking of what to do to be someone and how to be that someone thay i lost the someone i already was and became a non entity who has no heart or soul.
It's like i let the fear take control and drive my instinscts.
It's like wishing i could surface but giving in to the tide that's drowning me.
It's like when explaining colours to a person who can only see black and white, for that person colors do not exist and have no meaning.
Im so far gone, that even i don't where i am, or who i am or what i want.

There  is so much I wanna say. So much i wanna yell and scream and let out of my system, but I just can't find the right words, in fact words don't come close to describing my life.

Dear You...

... You are okay, you are not bothersome in the way you think you are. You are not deficient the way you believe you are, yeah you have issues, but who doesn't?
Yes there may be many things you are not, but we cant be everything, and we don't need to be everything.
but this isn't about what you are not, let me tell you what you are.
You are smart,funny, thoughtful,sensitive to others.You are non-judgemental, compassionate, and so sweet.
You are unclouded and positive, you have hope, you have faith, you are sincere, strong-willed, and despite all the shit that's happened to you you still hope for good, and you believe it with all your heart.
You are You, and that's all you need to be.
but it's not up to you to make everything right, and everything does not fail because of you, its not upto you to save everything and everyone. So it's not you it's them.
If they don't wanna hold on, you can't make them, best you can do is let them go and hope they find what they're looking for.
 But stop being so hard on yourself, when other ppl are already doing that job for you more than required.

When will it be over?

Really though WHEN will it be over? WHEN will I be in control of myself.
I really thought , I just did, that I was done with it, done with all this going back and forth like a pendulum, one minute want it and the next minute hate it, this freakin dependency and the crazy itch i get in my mind when I dont hear back from you even though I just cut you down! Thought I was done with it all!
Guess I was wrong.
Hate it.
Hate myself for being this way, this impulsive and not in control.

Three wishes.. and then some

I wish you would blog more often..
     I wish we could talk more often..
                                             Freely.
                               I wish you could talk to me..
                                  I wish I could listen to it..
                                     I wish we were closer..
                                       I wish you were here..
                                          I wish I wasn't such a mess.
                                            I wish you weren't such a mess..
 I wish there wasn't any circumstances in our way..
       I wish it was just you and me..
                   Together,
           So I could tell you all that goes on in my head,
               Find comfort in your arms,in your words, in your love.
                   Lose myself, and find myself again..In you.
                        I wish I wasn't so worried about the world,
                             the money,the fear of change,regret and betrayal.
  I wish I could snuggle up to you whenever I wanted..
      I wish i didn't have to say all this and have it feel like a faraway dream..
            I wish I didn't have to say 'I WISH' so often

If/Then..

I want to be with you.. but I cant live the kinda life you offer.
I'm sorry if that's too brutally honest, but that's the simple truth that we haven't been able to say out loud.
It needed to be said.

Cornered

Marriage should be a choice not an obligation, a conscious choice that one makes bcuz they want to, no regrets, What it shouldn't be is a fuckin bargain but that's exactly what it feels like.
On one hand is the family which puts forward one absurd reason after to be married, and on the other hand is someone i care about deeply but am not sure if its anything more than that, or if it can even work out.
but either way it feels like im surrounded by traps everywhere I look, bcuz there is a catch in all of these scenarios, and that catch is marriage itself.
It feels like no matter where i step I'll end up trapped one way or the other, weather i go with the options my family puts in front of me, or any other option, I will end up bargaining something for something.
but what if I don't want to bargain, I want it all or nothing.
i don't want to give up financial security for love, nor do i want to be a full time maid to someone, and I dont wanna be looked after but in a love-less scenario.
I want it all together in one place,
Besides I have a point to prove.
Let's see how far i go with it.

So i went shopping at the place where you work,
For the past three consecutive days.
And i keeping hoping against will to catch a glimpse of you, or for you to catch a glimpse of me and maybe realise, that Im less than what you thought i was, and then you'll move on .
Anyway that's just the Kinda thing that goes on in my head.

Envy.

Is it bad? Well of course it is.
I was never the envious kind, but the other day while lookin at my friends graduation pictures on     Facebook(with her well established and Mashallah very supportive husband) i felt this sharp sense of self loathing which to my surprise was tinged with envy!
When i realised i was feeling envious of my friends i hated myself even more, i mean how pathetic could i get?
Let me explain , self loathing i felt bcuz lately anyone else who has academic and career success only reminds me of what i lack, and as it pathetic as it sounds it has become my reality, and it kills me everyday how i ended up here.
Don't get me wrong i am very very happy for my friends, and i love them , but is it wrong to see a colored picture and wonder why is YOUR life black and white?
Now Envy; envy i felt bcuz one she was at her graduation, masters level, while i am eons away from even a third grade bachelors,
But that wasn't a surprise , the surprise was i felt envious of her supportive and well established husband!!!!
And that shocked even me!
Bcuz firstly, a marriage and all that is something I've never wanted,
Secondly , what the Hell? What the fucking Hell went wrong inside me to have made me such a pathetic person???!!
But when i thought about it later with a cool objective mind,
I thought of what i felt envious about ;it was success and a supportive husband who is more established , more elegant,better than her.
That's it. I guess i want a partner who is at a higher level than me in every way , be it faith, education, stability , ambition, character, personality, someone who won't make feel so conceited about myself, like Im the settler and he's the reacher ( that's a How I Met Your Mother reference), because Im already too full of myself.

Void.

Even after All is said and done a part of me keeps waiting and expecting you to say something, it's like something in me cant accept the silence.

Which is weird because it was me who demanded silence in the first place.

Very Peculiar.

Like its past mid-night, I should be sleeping because I got work in the morning, my neck hurts from continued laptop usage, and yet i'm sitting here aimlessly checking my blog hoping you would say something when there is nothing to say really, and I just realised this, and I smiled to myself, and decided to write this post, which now doesn't seem like such a good idea. Oh well.

My Bad..

I am asking you Let me go... but truth is that I Need to Let you go.
You already have, bless you, you understood.
But I didn't, and that's where the trouble is, so I need to let you go, to walk away without looking back every second.
Break Away.
to sort my head out and really achieve something in life, because trust me on this, the state of mind im in at this point, you dont want this, trust me!
I need to get my act together, stop feeling sorry for myself and work it.
I got issues man.
Load of them.
and i cant afford to let those issues ruin everything, i cant stand another failure.
So I am gonna deal with those issues, hopefully conquer my demons, but first i need to let you go.

This is for you, wherever you are...

So let me just say this out right.
My Life is a smouldering pile of pain,hurt,and disappointed hopes.. There's just too much shit . TOO.MUCH.SHIT. that I have seen and continue to see ... and i just cant take it any more.
and in all this I really could use a friend like you, especially when i know i just have to reach out and you'll be there in less than a minute,
but for reasons I wont repeat, we both know that aint happening.
I am broken, miserable,sad and lonely. I am in physical pain everday.
Largely because of what I see happening to marriages around me. They are black holes that just just suck the life out of you and eat you alive.
and how stupid would I be to push myself into one such black hole deliberately.
and I know you have hopes and you promise you'll be different, and I know you're different, but I'm sorry, try to understand where I'm standing, and at this point in time i'm just to broken up to even consider the idea of marriage to anyone much less fight for it,but you already know all that, so what's really my point?
My point is its so hard for me to have you at an arm's length and not being able to reach out for you..... I need to break away from you completely.
and like you said if two people are meant be, they find their way back to each other.
So Have Faith be strong and Let GO.
I am asking you to Let Me GO this time...  and I need to let You go..
like really let go, no strings attached.

No Love for the wicked

How Do you love and accept love when all you've known, all you've seen is how messed up and freakin ugly it can get when gone wrong
When all you've ever seen is the dirt then how can you believe there are stars?

Breaking away..

You know like in all the great movies when the guy and the girl cant seem to make things work staying together, they try and try but nothing seems to fall in place instead things keep getting worse.

IT is only when they finally Let Go and break away, have the final all-bridges-burned-its-over-no-turning-back kinda painfully difficult exit that things start to clear up, and make sense and they find their way back to each other.....

I think it goes to show that things seem so far away when you are chasing them, but have a way of catching up to you when you stop chasing them. 

The famous saying that Love is elusive when you are searching for it, I think it applies to happiness too; So long as we keep searching for happiness it seems to elude you, you may get a glimpse but its always fleeting ,always ending, never lasting, and that's mainly because the expectations that the search creates are totally blown out of proportion, and whatever little bit of happiness you get along the way pales in comparison to those expectations.

But when you stop looking you stop expecting and it is then that even a little bit of joy catches you off guard and lights you up.

But when one stops searching , does it mean when one gave up? Does it mean that one was a coward and could not persevere, OR does it mean they were brave enough to know when to let go ?

I personally think having one of those all-bridges-burned-its-over-no-turning-back kinda moment i just talked about is really crucial to any endeavour.

WHY?

Because I believe in such situations, breaking away means letting go of all the pieces of the puzzle which you could not arrange, and allowing them to fall where they may , and its only when you let them fall like that and take a step back that you realise that you were standing in the wrong place, and those things you were holding on to were like the grains of sand, the tighter you clutched the more they fell out of your hand because they were not meant to be clutched but were meant to be scattered, and its then that you see that the pattern that thus formed is better than anything you ever could have made yourself.

So the question really is; How brave are You?

Dont Let me Go...

..

i think Sometimes i say things I dont mean, just bcuz they are the right thing to do.

Illusion

"Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale,
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

-taylor swift

I dont own these lyrics. They are not mine. I just find them to be speaking the truth.

Too much of a good thing..

Constructive criticism is good thing ; when done appropriately and in acceptable limits, I just do not understand why people keep ragging on others , arguing , criticizing beyond the point where it's fruitless!

When the ships has sailed, (and even sunk in some cases), then what is the point of talking about how things could have been? Especially if there is a new ship about to sail, giving the person a second lease on things, a second chance, to make things right, then IS there a point in harping on that person about why he/she did not take the first ship!?! Is there? What could possibly be achieved by this very belated argument? I tell you; Nothing! Except from making the person feel a little but more of time waster, a little bit more worthless, a little bit more of a failure, a little but more of everything that the person already knows they are!! What is the bloody point in making the person 'realise' things that they have already realised a thousand times over AND also taken their beating over it? There is no bloody point!

Yes the person in question has realised time and again that they have been consistently, un-failingly stupid, vain, ignorant, lazy, even irresponsible and arrogant! So then, when finally that person is taking a step in the right direction what good will it do to anyone to remind them again of all the things they did not do, all the steps they missed, all the times wasted...?

I just don't understand.

Lemon Meringue Tart

Tuesday 17th Oct 2010

I made a very decadent Lemon meringue Tart. Ah.. just the look of it was lovely.

it's something i wanted to make since a while. Why didn't I? Well for one i Didnt know what it was,I saw it on TV and it looked so amazing but i didn't know what that was, but that image stuck with me, of that seemingly solid but completely siry and cloud like thing..., Later when i got to know that, that frothy almost cream like thing is Meringue , i set forth to find a recipe that combines it in a pie.. and i found it!, but i didn't have a tart pan(its a flat pan with corrugated edges) after looking for some while i finally found one. Long story short; I made it! yay me... and it looked just like it was supposed to look! That is the most amazing moment , when you have been standing in the kitchen for the past 2 hours,kneading the pastry, whipping up the lemon curd over a double broiler while the temperature in the kitchen is also sweltering,but no not done yet while the lemon curd sets over the cooked pastry in the oven, time to whip up the meringue, take out the tart from the oven, carefully and artistically arrange the meringue and chuck it in the oven again, and finally when you take it out of the oven, and looks exactly as it was supposed to look! Ah.. only a baker or a cook can understand that joy!

Well after the joy and yelps, comes the real moment of truth when you gotta taste it..

Well it was very different for me since i had never had lemon curd before, but i liked it!

but it looked way better and prettier than it tasted!

As obsessed as i was by the look of that slightly brown on top Meringue, I dont like the taste of it so much, besides it smells like eggs, of course it IS nothing but egg whites and sugar whipped into a glossy white cream, but i thought adding lemon juice to stabilise the whites would counter that eggy smell.Nadda.

Anyhow it was a great accomplishment for me :) and I loved how it turned out!

had fun making it except for the cut i got on my thumb while zesting the lemon(with me new ultra sharo lemon zester, now tested lol), so that was not fun at all! but hey I made a Lemon Meringue TART! Yayy me!

P.s. i know this post is bordering on obsessive but whatever!

Reality breaks..

"What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down.
Break me down

Break me down.."

These are lyrics to a song by 30 seconds to mars.. But i wish i had written this, because this is how i feel.

100 Years

Do you sometimes feel like you are a hundred years old?(when physically you may be no more than 20 something) and although that may seem like quite some time and ought have to have taught you some things but you feel zero amount of wisdom has come to you.. 100 years old yet haven't learned much... Well i do feel like that.. Sometimes..but i guess that aint a bad thing, i'll be alright :)

in the meantime these lyrics speak volumes on how this feeling(although i don't listen to music anymore May allah keep me steadfast on that path, it's the lyrics that are meaningful and have stayed with me):

"I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live.."by FFF