Too much pressure to take..

Song of the day; Crawling by Linkin park.
first heard it when i was 15, truly feel it now 6 years later...

"There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

'Words are very unnecessary... They can only do Harm...' according to Lacuna Coil...
if only i understood ..

Of wants and needs...

Is everyone supposed to know exactly what they want?? from life?? what they wanna do??
I, for one dont. Period.
i Dont know what i want.
for example just this evening i was ranting with a friend over the fact that I think no one reads my blog.. when inside i actually dont want anyone to read it(but then again maybe i do, i dont effin no). Not even my friend perhaps...
I started this as an anonymous way of letting out my frustrations with life, not to develop a following, after all why would anyone waana hear me talk about my boring life?
Blergh.... im so nuts...

Thing is i dont want anyone who actually knows me to read this.. yet i could not shut up my big mouth and kept whining about no one reading it .
Aaargh *pullin out my own hair*

ergh... to frustrated with myself to type anymore...
gonna get some shut-eye perhaps...

p.s. i know im going a bit gaga..

Just Say...

This song leaves me pretty speechless cuz it says it all.. if only we hear it...

"Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
....Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
.... better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it...
Just say....."

by One Republic

Can you free me....

I cant say it better than Miike snow does in this song called Cult Logic(for want of better words of my own);

"

All my life I've been the slave of consequence
wondering how this life could be so intricate.
I wanna rewrite my heart and let the future in
I wanna open it up and let somebody in

can you free me from the logic that I knew
I believe it even if it is not true.

Am I falling asleep on my feet again?
I call out, is anybody listening
and it's like I'm diving into emptiness
but at least there's something beating in my chest

can you free me from the logic that I knew...
I believe it even if it is not true. "

Song of the day: Sense of humor by Darren hayes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcHRGLuFTug


"You will like my sense of humor
You will be addicted to my smile
Laughing all the while
And I will end each conversation
I will leave the room with upper hand
And you will understand

You will find my scent attractive
You will like my real, engaging eyes
And playful, childlike smile
You will find my style appealing
I will overpower you with wits
And I will be a hit

If only you'd run to me
If only you'd come to me
If only you'd relax upon your rules
And dare to be love's fool
If only you'd come for me
If only you'd run to me
If only you'd relax upon those rules
And dare to be love's fool.."

Needles to say that darren hayes is a genius.. and most writes the most honest lyrics and songs..

Does beauty goes to waste if no one is there to appreciate it?

Words...

Okay first of all the title is not very good... but couldnt think of a better one at the moment.
Thing is lately all that i have been going through emotionally.; i can find it in a song. As in more often than not when one is feeling somethin one cant always articulately describe it too... But would'nt it be great if someone else gave words to your feelings, in the exact same manner as you wanted to but couldnt, or maybe even better..
So lately Darren Hayes' album The Tension and The spark (yes all of it) has pretty much become the soundtrack to my life, but not in a way that i can explain it, and definitely not in an obvious way, songs like Darkness, Ego, Sense Of humor,Void.... so articulately and beautifully say all i wanted to say... all i have felt...
One more song that yesterday struck a chord with me was Starlight by Muse.... i have always loved that song, but yesterday when i was in my dungeon of doom and darkness, the lyrics and the melody felt right at home....'far away.. this ship is taking me far away from the memories of the people who care if i live or die...our hopes and EXPECTATIONS;BLACKHOLES AND REVELATIONS'...
another song is from the cartoon movie Mulan... 'Reflection'
Hmm.. thats it for now..
P.s. writing this is cathartic in a way...

Of bad hair cuts and cryptic msgs...

Got a hair cut today.. thought i'll reinvent myself, and all that. but i hate my cut... :( makes me feel worse off than before... :(
ANyway...
lately i been on my own... and it feels okay.. Like a month ago... i would share most of what and how i felt with 3 key ppl,( for instance my bad hair cut).... but in light of recent epiphanies and events... i dont feel the urge or need to let anyone in on anything i am feeling.... and feels alright... hmm...
What else? yeah... I go kinda cryptic on my facebook..... not that anybody knows or notices... how? Well, i share songs at times precisely according to what im feeling at that point and all.. But No one reads the signs anyway.. and its okay this way i guess.. Bcuz if someone did understand those signs ... iwould feel Soo.. Afraid. Weak.Vulnerable... Like someone had spilled my secrets..

P.s. None of my friends about my hair cut or the fact that i aint happy with it...

My sanity

my sanity....

How do i get it back?? when did i lose it? Was there ever a time i really truly even had it?
? These ares some of the questions that are on my mind lately and they wreak one havoc. Save to say i dont know the absolute answer to any of them. Period.
But what i do know is that,THIS,right here, right now, is the most brutally dark time of my life. I feel for the first time the need to be totally alone and secluded, and i dont mean locked up in a room or holed up in some corner, what i mean is that for the first time i feel as if i cant and dont wanna depend,trust or BE with anyone. I hate everythin and everyone in my life. I feel the need to go to a place where none of these ppl, none of these problems; that cuttently so perpetually habituate my life, exist or come even close.
WHY? For one i am just so sick and tired of the same old stuff that has become a routine of life for me, second and most importantly, i recently had an epiphany. The epiphany is that I am not meant or well suited,if you will, for this social exposure ridden life. B'cuz im an Anti-social, but NOone and i mean no one, who has seen me in a group pf ppl can say im anti-social, cuz i seem or become the social butterfly kind material. But the impact social exposure has on me is weird at best and psychotic at worse, one cuz im extrememly sensitive to anything, i cant explain it fully but all i know is im meant to be around ppl.
I understand what an extremely narcissistic piece of writing this is, but i need to write this just to sort out my own feelings, and not cuz i want anyone to read it.
WTF? no clarity still..

So i'm pretty much back to my crappy-dark-and-twisty self Again!
maybe i am not meant for social environment in fact im pretty sure i am not meant to be interacting with ppl, i am the Anti-Social! not in the cool-hermetic-yet-sexy way but like really anti-social way.
Anyway i ended a friendship, at least i think i did.
Still struggling with studies.
sTILL STRUGling with pretty much everyhtin.
The only thing i enjoy doing is Origami and baking. it brings me joy!
and i am really heartbroken that my favourite singer is gay, i mean i knew it since a long time. i was okay with it but recently i been thinking what a loss?! Anyway whatever makes him happy!
Anyway so i decided i wont attach myself to anyone now! it sucks being me right now~
That's it!

the Bigger Picture

How selfish all my posts have been all this time...........!!!!
Its appalling to see that all that think and write about is my emotions. When there is so much more to life than this! than failure and disappointment.
There are bigger failures and disappointments and tragedies and the outpour jus rages on and on & yet all im talkin about is my petty little emotions and musings.........
Not good. Not good at all.]
Time to see the Bigger Picture and MOVE ON!
uff....... I am appalled and you have my permission to be appalled too.

You see Life is somthing like a case of Itchy eyes; everything seems blurred,watery.out of its element and somehow altogether bizzare , but here is the thing the problem lies not with those things but with you and your itchy eyes.

Cryin;

wanna cry out loud...... cuz i stand nowhere
anywhere in anyway and everywhere and in everyway i have failed, and cant seem to have learnt much out of it.......

like aerosmith said

I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you

I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me

i think its hArD TO DECIDE WHAT IS WORSE?
this world which is a lie OR we who are living this lie, and are bent on livin it fully??? i dont know.

Fall & RISE..... :)

" Why do we Fall??, So we can learn to pick ourselves up"
quoted from the epic Batman

if only we understand thAt, many of the stones that life throws our away wont be able to harm us.
but here is the thing when we do fall first we cant seem to understand how or why it hapened??
and when we Do finally get out of that disapponting shocked feeling and understand,
more often than not we wait.
We wait for somebody to lend a hand and pick us up.
We wait for somebody to tell us it'll be alright.
but here is the thing, this Wait can often be long and futile, know why?? know why?
B'cuz NO-ONE on this earth can understand you better than you do and cannot help you better than u can, and often you can wait endlessly for someone who might never show up.
so why wait?? our creator gave us the ability to be self-depenedent & self-sufficient.

So You need to pick yourself up B'cuz you are the only one who can.
What im tryin' to say is that we cannot wait for someone else to pick us up when we fall, we have to pick ourselves up, and we will be better off this way

and like someone said
" Whenever You Fall. Pick somethin UP"
so that hopefully we might learn and not slip across the same stone twice.
but some ppl never learn and stumble across the same stone the same path and make the same mistakes over and over and over again. well that is another story :)
may Allah help them.

Solitude; Peace

I just wanna be alone on the sea shore with nothin but jus me lost in the abyss of my incoherent thoughts and my maze of a mind, maybe i'll find myself there, or maybe i'll jus lose myself completely, who knows??
maybe life is about gettin lost... in whatever., in mycase getttin lost in my mess.
as somebody puts it in this profoud fwded msg i received once:

I am a lonely road of broken dreams.. it's a boulevard that i'm searchin for,
these stars are all so dull,.. It's a moon that i'm searchin for;
There is a crowd around me its a 'love' that i'm searching for,
My LIFE is just like aPath,... it's a Destination that i'm searchin for,
Don't know what is exactly that i have LOST.. maybe it's ME that i'm searching for

life is like the arrivals lounge of an airport, at first it seems so cheerful, positive energies flyin around, unlike the morose and contrasting air of the departures lounge. But as u stand their u see ppl crying as greet the ones they were waiting for, but not all cry in happiness, some may cry out of the dismal circumstances they are there for, some maybe their to attend a wedding, some maybe their with thier firstborn baby to share the joy with their families, while others maybe thier to be besides s loved one's sickbed, there are those are welcomed by whole congregations and whole loving families are there to greet with showering flowers, but then their are those too who come out but dont find anyone waiting for them, and the flicker of expectations in thier eyes is just put out, da thing is as you spend a while there(however long that maybe) you realize it isn't what u initially thought it was, but you lose yourself there anyway, and forget about the departures lounge, which is your actual and ultimate destination.
then there are those questions that spring up in your mind, why are we even here in this lounge???why are we witnessing all this?? why this test of better judgement ?? why this test of patience, and faith and truth?? why oh why??
i've pondered over these questions and guess will continue pondering for some time to come, and to find the answers i wanna be alone on that sea shore, and just give in to fierce waves thrashing across the shore, and let it take me wherever it may... Maybe i'll find or lose

who knows?? not me.

Solitude is not tragical.You see solitude is starkly differnt from loneliness. for while lonely you long for someone; someone’s company, but in solitude you dont, for in solitude it is you for yourself and that is all that you long for. Solitude is beautiful because choose to be alone, unlike loneliness where you would give anything to not be alone. Those who have experienced this craving for solitude they must know how calm you feel and how you can reflect on things.

i find this extract, from Katherine Philips’ La Solitude de St. Amant, very profound and deep:

O! Solitude, my sweetest choice
Places devoted to the night,
Remote from tumult, and from noise,
How you my restless thoughts delight!
O Heavens! what content is mine,
To see those trees which have appear’d
From the nativity of Time,
And which hall ages have rever’d,
To look to-day as fresh and green,
As when their beauties first were seen!

AZ

i'm disappointed with my self. i\m ashamed of myself, for letting down everyone who had faith in me and hopes in me....

why do ppl make excuses??? i mean if u dont wanna talk or socialize just say it to my face... why lie?? and pretend and avoid and all that bullshit...... u think i have got that much time for u??? i mean go to hell..i loathe liars and hypocrites and judemental types....if u want time or u need ur space jus say it to my face, i'll be happy to give to it to u, but dont fuckin lie man........
actually the problem is in me, i get too much carried away when i get caring and emotional... guess being emotional doesnt suit me, guess i was better off being a tough bitch,..........
guess i'll go back on being a tough, hardcore, bitch who doesnt give a shit to anyone,. after all what good has being caring, done to me??? i wont stand this, ppl walkin all over me....
i have my own life.... i mean a billion things that i'd rather invest that time and energy on.
i mean instead of that, i freakin try to be there for ppl i care about, and guess what?? they dont need it, then why the fuck shud i care?? to hell with everyone. i have my own life to live and do something about,
maybe that's one reason why i screwed up earlier, cuz i get carried away in this crapp so far, that i forget and ignore what's actually important in my life, things that is gonna give some returns to me, and at least there my efforts wont be freakin wasted and thrown to the wind.

i've screwed up all the good things in m life, i was given so many opportunities, ppl trusted in me, believed in me, and i blew it all.... i screwed up, i axed everythin with my own two hands, what kills me the most is not the disappointment i feel not the hurt that kills me everyday,not the remorse that wrenches my hearrt every second but the BELIEF and faith ppl had in me my friends my family my mentors and i jusst............. BLEW it... out of sheer lazyiness.....
i have had many regrets in my life. Big ones trust me, but NEVER did i have THis intense a feeling to jusstttttt,........... turn back time and do things differently, guess that's not happening, so how t deal with this mess???? hnestly i havent got a clue.......

i jus wanna be alone on the sea shore with nothin but jus me lost in the abyss of my incoherent thoughts and my maze of a mind, maybe i'll find myself there, or maybe i'll jus lose myself completely, who knows??
maybe life is about gettin lost... in whatever., in mycase getttin lost in my failures.