some more Persuasion

Here is the letter than capt. wentworth writes to anne, finally conceding his affections and wishes....

"I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means
as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony,
half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings
are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart
even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years
and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman,
that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you.
Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been,
but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath.
For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this?
Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even
these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have
penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing
something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can
distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others.
Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed.
You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men.
Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in F. W.

"I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither,
or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look,
will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house
this evening or never."

who would not melt by such heartfelt lines??... Aah..

Persuasion..

I just finished reading Persuasion by Jane Austen... and all i can do right now is smile to myself! =)

and not bcuz of the obvious reasons.. If you have not read the book and want to then read no further, there may be some spoilers in here.

Well i am a jane austen fan uptill now Pride And Prejudice was my favourite.. but Persuasion strikes a different kind of chord than P&P. Anne Elliot the central character is so opposite of Elizabeth Bennet, but this is not a comparison of the two books, it's just the feeling i am left with after having read it... it sounds very stupid, i bet, but i am so happy for the kind of end and reconciliation that Anne and Wentworth got ! that letter was so touching! any heart would melt if addressed like such.. all i can say is DAMN! :) not very articulate and 'proper' i know! lol

On a more serious and pensive note it makes me a bit sad to observe that in those times everyone was so proper, for want of a better word. 'Propriety' was such a concern to them, men or women took themselves and each other seriously, albeit a bit too seriously at times, but respect was of utmost importance, its sad that all that Austen pride and propriety and respect and sense and that sensibility and that constancy of emotions, that honesty, is no longer to be found, one thing however which Austen spoke of is still to be found in copious amounts and that is Vanity.

Oh well this was not meant to be a survey of the modern world under the light of Austen's novels, :) this was merely a happy note! If i may be allowed a moment of self indulgency,(what? A Blog is all about self indulgency i see jane austen has gotten to my head), i would admit that presently i am as deeply cynical and un believing in faith in human beings, thier affections,honesty, respect & sincerity, as anyone could possibly be, have damn near lost faith in humanity, and YET reading this fine novel has left an indellible mark, and stirs something similar to belief in me, who knows? maybe even a transient moment of hope...

Fear of falling under..

It's a song by the ever so talented; Mr. Darren Hayes. It talks about hope as well as tht inevitable fears attached to it. About rising above with the fear of falling...

I find this song incredibly insightful and weirdly cathartic... here are some of the lyrics;

"Deep into the water deep into the dark.

Deep into the places stories have to start.
Peel open the layers go in for the kill.
Bite into the onion taste it for the thrill.

I've got a fear of falling under.
Underneath a dream.
A fear of diving too deep.
Deep beneath the seams.
I've got a fear of falling under.
Underneath a spell.
A fear of what the truth sees.
Secrets I will tell.

Reach into a top hat.
Reach in all alone.
Reach in for a rabbit come up with a stone.
Searching for pieces.
Pieces left behind.
Discarded moments in the junkyard of my mind.

I've got a fear of falling under.
Underneath a dream.
A fear of diving too deep.
Deep beneath the seams.
I've got a fear of falling under.
Underneath a spell.
A fear of what the truth sees.
Secrets I will tell.

What came first?
Love, hurt? Love, hurt?
Oh, what came firsst? Love? Hurt? Love? Hurt? Oh whaatt??

Stars behind the clouds; not feeling it

For the past week or two the sky is so replete with clouds on my side thats its like a bad traffic jam.. Although i dont mind clouds in the daytime as it shields from the blaring sun; but at night it hides the best thing about night;Stars :( save to say it's a huge disappointment when i snuck out my head in the hopes to see a glittered sky and bummer! not even one!!

when last night the same thing happened. i was so disappointed that i started thinking when was the last time i saw a clear night sky with a multitude of my glittering pals; and i was even farther disappointed to realise that perhaps some days ago. i just looked thru the window and the stars were there! and bright! and when they were there, right there, my appetite was satisfied by just one look, i didnt go out and spend even one minute stargazing!!(which is what i love to do), how absurd that when they were there, shining with all their might, i didnt bother even saying hello, but tonight when i cant find them i am most disappointed....

there is some lesson to be learned from this.... to appreciate a good thing while you have it..

Confusion and then some...

The other day i was talking to a friend who recently for engaged.... and bravo for her, she seemed very realistically blissful and content.

Although most of my life i have never wanted to settle down, fall in love, Get married, BLAH BLAH, bcuz it all seemed like a gamble with the stakes too completely high, but on the other hand the image that i have in mind for how things should be, was a fairytale happy ending....ALL or Nothing..

but the more i observe, the more i see people, the more i realise there IS no such thing as a fairytale happy ending... you have to make your own happily ever after, like kung fu panda says "Anything can be special if you think of it as Special; there is No secret ingredient"

the more i look around and see what goes on in this world im left bewildered and overwhelmed and a multitude of questions pop up in my head.... but one thing i know that in this world there is no happily ever after..

Am i becoming cynical? or Realistic? Is there any difference?? will i ever find the answers??

Everything's changed; We Never KNEW....

Desire

"Human wants and desires are unlimited as compared to the Limited resources available to satisfy them" this is the fundamental principal of Economics.
As a student of Economics a have read this many times.. but if i step out of the subject and evaluate this statement as an outsider; i see that, this statement applies to life in general not just the study of Economics...
Desire. Want. Need. whatever we may call, it is a tricky thing & if are not careful it can become a swamp which will pull us in and we cannot fight back.
it makes us want things that we may not necessarily truly actually want... but just bcuz of a temporary but strong thing called Desire, we find ourselves yearning for it..

if we are not careful we will end up making total fools of ourselves, going "WTF was i thinkin?"

The mose common form desire takes to ruin our lives is by making us beileive that its Love

Love DOES NOT EQUAL Desire.Period!,but more often than not, we are left thinking that we feel very strongly for somethin or someone, we think oh its love! wow! we go all goofy, mushy, seeing butterflies and lollipops and rainbows; do stupid stupid things under the influence of this fake feeling, if you will, end up making a complete and utter Fool of ourselves, Only to realise it wasnt LOVE at all, it was just desire.

This is a most common mistake to make. That is to mistake strong desire or need or want as something quite the opposite;Love. So if it seems illogical, that is if you get get the thought that '..but we have only met a few times..' , '..but we dont know each other that well..'. ; 'love

2 first sigh't"..... then u know that its all DESIRE. not love!

thats it! if only we realise it in time... that is beofre making complete fools of ourselves.

Desire

Too much pressure to take..

Song of the day; Crawling by Linkin park.
first heard it when i was 15, truly feel it now 6 years later...

"There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

'Words are very unnecessary... They can only do Harm...' according to Lacuna Coil...
if only i understood ..

Of wants and needs...

Is everyone supposed to know exactly what they want?? from life?? what they wanna do??
I, for one dont. Period.
i Dont know what i want.
for example just this evening i was ranting with a friend over the fact that I think no one reads my blog.. when inside i actually dont want anyone to read it(but then again maybe i do, i dont effin no). Not even my friend perhaps...
I started this as an anonymous way of letting out my frustrations with life, not to develop a following, after all why would anyone waana hear me talk about my boring life?
Blergh.... im so nuts...

Thing is i dont want anyone who actually knows me to read this.. yet i could not shut up my big mouth and kept whining about no one reading it .
Aaargh *pullin out my own hair*

ergh... to frustrated with myself to type anymore...
gonna get some shut-eye perhaps...

p.s. i know im going a bit gaga..

Just Say...

This song leaves me pretty speechless cuz it says it all.. if only we hear it...

"Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
....Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
.... better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it...
Just say....."

by One Republic

Can you free me....

I cant say it better than Miike snow does in this song called Cult Logic(for want of better words of my own);

"

All my life I've been the slave of consequence
wondering how this life could be so intricate.
I wanna rewrite my heart and let the future in
I wanna open it up and let somebody in

can you free me from the logic that I knew
I believe it even if it is not true.

Am I falling asleep on my feet again?
I call out, is anybody listening
and it's like I'm diving into emptiness
but at least there's something beating in my chest

can you free me from the logic that I knew...
I believe it even if it is not true. "

Song of the day: Sense of humor by Darren hayes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcHRGLuFTug


"You will like my sense of humor
You will be addicted to my smile
Laughing all the while
And I will end each conversation
I will leave the room with upper hand
And you will understand

You will find my scent attractive
You will like my real, engaging eyes
And playful, childlike smile
You will find my style appealing
I will overpower you with wits
And I will be a hit

If only you'd run to me
If only you'd come to me
If only you'd relax upon your rules
And dare to be love's fool
If only you'd come for me
If only you'd run to me
If only you'd relax upon those rules
And dare to be love's fool.."

Needles to say that darren hayes is a genius.. and most writes the most honest lyrics and songs..

Does beauty goes to waste if no one is there to appreciate it?

Words...

Okay first of all the title is not very good... but couldnt think of a better one at the moment.
Thing is lately all that i have been going through emotionally.; i can find it in a song. As in more often than not when one is feeling somethin one cant always articulately describe it too... But would'nt it be great if someone else gave words to your feelings, in the exact same manner as you wanted to but couldnt, or maybe even better..
So lately Darren Hayes' album The Tension and The spark (yes all of it) has pretty much become the soundtrack to my life, but not in a way that i can explain it, and definitely not in an obvious way, songs like Darkness, Ego, Sense Of humor,Void.... so articulately and beautifully say all i wanted to say... all i have felt...
One more song that yesterday struck a chord with me was Starlight by Muse.... i have always loved that song, but yesterday when i was in my dungeon of doom and darkness, the lyrics and the melody felt right at home....'far away.. this ship is taking me far away from the memories of the people who care if i live or die...our hopes and EXPECTATIONS;BLACKHOLES AND REVELATIONS'...
another song is from the cartoon movie Mulan... 'Reflection'
Hmm.. thats it for now..
P.s. writing this is cathartic in a way...

Of bad hair cuts and cryptic msgs...

Got a hair cut today.. thought i'll reinvent myself, and all that. but i hate my cut... :( makes me feel worse off than before... :(
ANyway...
lately i been on my own... and it feels okay.. Like a month ago... i would share most of what and how i felt with 3 key ppl,( for instance my bad hair cut).... but in light of recent epiphanies and events... i dont feel the urge or need to let anyone in on anything i am feeling.... and feels alright... hmm...
What else? yeah... I go kinda cryptic on my facebook..... not that anybody knows or notices... how? Well, i share songs at times precisely according to what im feeling at that point and all.. But No one reads the signs anyway.. and its okay this way i guess.. Bcuz if someone did understand those signs ... iwould feel Soo.. Afraid. Weak.Vulnerable... Like someone had spilled my secrets..

P.s. None of my friends about my hair cut or the fact that i aint happy with it...

My sanity

my sanity....

How do i get it back?? when did i lose it? Was there ever a time i really truly even had it?
? These ares some of the questions that are on my mind lately and they wreak one havoc. Save to say i dont know the absolute answer to any of them. Period.
But what i do know is that,THIS,right here, right now, is the most brutally dark time of my life. I feel for the first time the need to be totally alone and secluded, and i dont mean locked up in a room or holed up in some corner, what i mean is that for the first time i feel as if i cant and dont wanna depend,trust or BE with anyone. I hate everythin and everyone in my life. I feel the need to go to a place where none of these ppl, none of these problems; that cuttently so perpetually habituate my life, exist or come even close.
WHY? For one i am just so sick and tired of the same old stuff that has become a routine of life for me, second and most importantly, i recently had an epiphany. The epiphany is that I am not meant or well suited,if you will, for this social exposure ridden life. B'cuz im an Anti-social, but NOone and i mean no one, who has seen me in a group pf ppl can say im anti-social, cuz i seem or become the social butterfly kind material. But the impact social exposure has on me is weird at best and psychotic at worse, one cuz im extrememly sensitive to anything, i cant explain it fully but all i know is im meant to be around ppl.
I understand what an extremely narcissistic piece of writing this is, but i need to write this just to sort out my own feelings, and not cuz i want anyone to read it.
WTF? no clarity still..

So i'm pretty much back to my crappy-dark-and-twisty self Again!
maybe i am not meant for social environment in fact im pretty sure i am not meant to be interacting with ppl, i am the Anti-Social! not in the cool-hermetic-yet-sexy way but like really anti-social way.
Anyway i ended a friendship, at least i think i did.
Still struggling with studies.
sTILL STRUGling with pretty much everyhtin.
The only thing i enjoy doing is Origami and baking. it brings me joy!
and i am really heartbroken that my favourite singer is gay, i mean i knew it since a long time. i was okay with it but recently i been thinking what a loss?! Anyway whatever makes him happy!
Anyway so i decided i wont attach myself to anyone now! it sucks being me right now~
That's it!

the Bigger Picture

How selfish all my posts have been all this time...........!!!!
Its appalling to see that all that think and write about is my emotions. When there is so much more to life than this! than failure and disappointment.
There are bigger failures and disappointments and tragedies and the outpour jus rages on and on & yet all im talkin about is my petty little emotions and musings.........
Not good. Not good at all.]
Time to see the Bigger Picture and MOVE ON!
uff....... I am appalled and you have my permission to be appalled too.

You see Life is somthing like a case of Itchy eyes; everything seems blurred,watery.out of its element and somehow altogether bizzare , but here is the thing the problem lies not with those things but with you and your itchy eyes.