So i'm pretty much back to my crappy-dark-and-twisty self Again!
maybe i am not meant for social environment in fact im pretty sure i am not meant to be interacting with ppl, i am the Anti-Social! not in the cool-hermetic-yet-sexy way but like really anti-social way.
Anyway i ended a friendship, at least i think i did.
Still struggling with studies.
sTILL STRUGling with pretty much everyhtin.
The only thing i enjoy doing is Origami and baking. it brings me joy!
and i am really heartbroken that my favourite singer is gay, i mean i knew it since a long time. i was okay with it but recently i been thinking what a loss?! Anyway whatever makes him happy!
Anyway so i decided i wont attach myself to anyone now! it sucks being me right now~
That's it!

the Bigger Picture

How selfish all my posts have been all this time...........!!!!
Its appalling to see that all that think and write about is my emotions. When there is so much more to life than this! than failure and disappointment.
There are bigger failures and disappointments and tragedies and the outpour jus rages on and on & yet all im talkin about is my petty little emotions and musings.........
Not good. Not good at all.]
Time to see the Bigger Picture and MOVE ON!
uff....... I am appalled and you have my permission to be appalled too.

You see Life is somthing like a case of Itchy eyes; everything seems blurred,watery.out of its element and somehow altogether bizzare , but here is the thing the problem lies not with those things but with you and your itchy eyes.

Cryin;

wanna cry out loud...... cuz i stand nowhere
anywhere in anyway and everywhere and in everyway i have failed, and cant seem to have learnt much out of it.......

like aerosmith said

I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you

I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me

i think its hArD TO DECIDE WHAT IS WORSE?
this world which is a lie OR we who are living this lie, and are bent on livin it fully??? i dont know.

Fall & RISE..... :)

" Why do we Fall??, So we can learn to pick ourselves up"
quoted from the epic Batman

if only we understand thAt, many of the stones that life throws our away wont be able to harm us.
but here is the thing when we do fall first we cant seem to understand how or why it hapened??
and when we Do finally get out of that disapponting shocked feeling and understand,
more often than not we wait.
We wait for somebody to lend a hand and pick us up.
We wait for somebody to tell us it'll be alright.
but here is the thing, this Wait can often be long and futile, know why?? know why?
B'cuz NO-ONE on this earth can understand you better than you do and cannot help you better than u can, and often you can wait endlessly for someone who might never show up.
so why wait?? our creator gave us the ability to be self-depenedent & self-sufficient.

So You need to pick yourself up B'cuz you are the only one who can.
What im tryin' to say is that we cannot wait for someone else to pick us up when we fall, we have to pick ourselves up, and we will be better off this way

and like someone said
" Whenever You Fall. Pick somethin UP"
so that hopefully we might learn and not slip across the same stone twice.
but some ppl never learn and stumble across the same stone the same path and make the same mistakes over and over and over again. well that is another story :)
may Allah help them.

Solitude; Peace

I just wanna be alone on the sea shore with nothin but jus me lost in the abyss of my incoherent thoughts and my maze of a mind, maybe i'll find myself there, or maybe i'll jus lose myself completely, who knows??
maybe life is about gettin lost... in whatever., in mycase getttin lost in my mess.
as somebody puts it in this profoud fwded msg i received once:

I am a lonely road of broken dreams.. it's a boulevard that i'm searchin for,
these stars are all so dull,.. It's a moon that i'm searchin for;
There is a crowd around me its a 'love' that i'm searching for,
My LIFE is just like aPath,... it's a Destination that i'm searchin for,
Don't know what is exactly that i have LOST.. maybe it's ME that i'm searching for

life is like the arrivals lounge of an airport, at first it seems so cheerful, positive energies flyin around, unlike the morose and contrasting air of the departures lounge. But as u stand their u see ppl crying as greet the ones they were waiting for, but not all cry in happiness, some may cry out of the dismal circumstances they are there for, some maybe their to attend a wedding, some maybe their with thier firstborn baby to share the joy with their families, while others maybe thier to be besides s loved one's sickbed, there are those are welcomed by whole congregations and whole loving families are there to greet with showering flowers, but then their are those too who come out but dont find anyone waiting for them, and the flicker of expectations in thier eyes is just put out, da thing is as you spend a while there(however long that maybe) you realize it isn't what u initially thought it was, but you lose yourself there anyway, and forget about the departures lounge, which is your actual and ultimate destination.
then there are those questions that spring up in your mind, why are we even here in this lounge???why are we witnessing all this?? why this test of better judgement ?? why this test of patience, and faith and truth?? why oh why??
i've pondered over these questions and guess will continue pondering for some time to come, and to find the answers i wanna be alone on that sea shore, and just give in to fierce waves thrashing across the shore, and let it take me wherever it may... Maybe i'll find or lose

who knows?? not me.

Solitude is not tragical.You see solitude is starkly differnt from loneliness. for while lonely you long for someone; someone’s company, but in solitude you dont, for in solitude it is you for yourself and that is all that you long for. Solitude is beautiful because choose to be alone, unlike loneliness where you would give anything to not be alone. Those who have experienced this craving for solitude they must know how calm you feel and how you can reflect on things.

i find this extract, from Katherine Philips’ La Solitude de St. Amant, very profound and deep:

O! Solitude, my sweetest choice
Places devoted to the night,
Remote from tumult, and from noise,
How you my restless thoughts delight!
O Heavens! what content is mine,
To see those trees which have appear’d
From the nativity of Time,
And which hall ages have rever’d,
To look to-day as fresh and green,
As when their beauties first were seen!

AZ

i'm disappointed with my self. i\m ashamed of myself, for letting down everyone who had faith in me and hopes in me....

why do ppl make excuses??? i mean if u dont wanna talk or socialize just say it to my face... why lie?? and pretend and avoid and all that bullshit...... u think i have got that much time for u??? i mean go to hell..i loathe liars and hypocrites and judemental types....if u want time or u need ur space jus say it to my face, i'll be happy to give to it to u, but dont fuckin lie man........
actually the problem is in me, i get too much carried away when i get caring and emotional... guess being emotional doesnt suit me, guess i was better off being a tough bitch,..........
guess i'll go back on being a tough, hardcore, bitch who doesnt give a shit to anyone,. after all what good has being caring, done to me??? i wont stand this, ppl walkin all over me....
i have my own life.... i mean a billion things that i'd rather invest that time and energy on.
i mean instead of that, i freakin try to be there for ppl i care about, and guess what?? they dont need it, then why the fuck shud i care?? to hell with everyone. i have my own life to live and do something about,
maybe that's one reason why i screwed up earlier, cuz i get carried away in this crapp so far, that i forget and ignore what's actually important in my life, things that is gonna give some returns to me, and at least there my efforts wont be freakin wasted and thrown to the wind.

i've screwed up all the good things in m life, i was given so many opportunities, ppl trusted in me, believed in me, and i blew it all.... i screwed up, i axed everythin with my own two hands, what kills me the most is not the disappointment i feel not the hurt that kills me everyday,not the remorse that wrenches my hearrt every second but the BELIEF and faith ppl had in me my friends my family my mentors and i jusst............. BLEW it... out of sheer lazyiness.....
i have had many regrets in my life. Big ones trust me, but NEVER did i have THis intense a feeling to jusstttttt,........... turn back time and do things differently, guess that's not happening, so how t deal with this mess???? hnestly i havent got a clue.......

i jus wanna be alone on the sea shore with nothin but jus me lost in the abyss of my incoherent thoughts and my maze of a mind, maybe i'll find myself there, or maybe i'll jus lose myself completely, who knows??
maybe life is about gettin lost... in whatever., in mycase getttin lost in my failures.